


rough | polished

by dream_painter



Series: Critical Role Prompts [5]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: A small one, Abusive Den Theylass, And gets them for once, Caleb Widogast Deserves Nice Things, Episode 111 broke me, Essek Thelyss Has Chronic Pain, Family Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Home, Hurt/Comfort, Lonely Essek Thelyss, Mighty Nein as Family, Panic Attacks, Rainy Days, Realization, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, breakdown - Freeform, so I am ignoring the second half
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26739301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dream_painter/pseuds/dream_painter
Summary: A rainy day in Xhorhas brings realizations and family. Wanted and unwanted.
Relationships: Deirta Thelyss & Essek Thelyss, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Essek Thelyss
Series: Critical Role Prompts [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1915762
Comments: 2
Kudos: 123





	rough | polished

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> So this happened...   
> Some background/ thoughprocess:  
> I had a really rough day mentally and my mom made Kaiserschmarn to cheer me up. If you don't know what Kaiserschmarn is, it is a austrian/bavarian specialty, which is basicaly cut apart pancakes that you let caramelize in the pan before serving with a sort of applejam, called Apfelmus. And my dad makes the most amazing Apfelmus.  
> And then I realized: Who is Zemnian, and has bad days sometimes? Caleb! Our lovely sad wizard boy.   
> So there was were that element came from.  
> And then has my pain in my wrists flared up in the last days since cold and rainy in germany and my nerves in my wrists do NOT like that.   
> And I love the headcanon that Essek has something similar. So There was that element. 
> 
> And then it somehow turned angst real quick and I just let it run it's course.  
> And then there suddenly were zemnian/german fairy tales involved and it just spiraled from there.  
> Also Deirta Thelyss is horrible in this. If she turns out nice in canon I will put an apology in here, but for now, everything goes.
> 
> I do not own Critical Role.  
> Translations at the End (It is quite much this time, sorry)
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Caduceus woke to the sound of dripping, and as he looked towards Silence, the Tree, he only saw the various sunlight containers through sheets of rain. Much like the real sun they were blocked by the nurturing rain. Which would be great for the few plants Caduceus had seen in the city, and the ones on the roof of course. With a small smile he sat up to prepare a cup of tea. He silently thanked the Wildmother for her gift as he collected the fresh water to boil.

A knock on her window woke Jester. But instead of the eternally dark sky of Rhosohna, she was met with the face of Artagan, whose red hair was plastered to his face by what seemed to be the Wildmother’s attempt to drown the world. Giggling at the thought that drowning the world seemed much more Uka’toa’ s realm of expertise, she opened the window and let the Archfey into the house. And gave him a well needed towel.

Beau woke to giggling from Jester’s room and the annoying voice of Jester’s Archfey friend. And once she had opened her eyes and saw the raindrops chasing each other down the window, she wished to just sleep on. A grey day was useless anyway. And her blankets made a warm cocoon and her pillow was just heavy enough to smother the giggling from Jesters room but not her breathing, as Beauregard turned to the other side and dozed of again.

Flying over clouds and ocean and coast and land, was Yasha. Her golden wings outstretched, the Stormlord guiding her. But not only white clouds or stormy skies the Stormlord showed her. There was also the calming sound of heavy rain falling and taking with it all her sorrows. And while her weights were lifted, her wings grew heavy, and Kord guided her to a familiar sight. A slightly washed out golden tree and a colorful house in the grey rain. Yasha woke to the sound of raindrops playing music against her window and running down her face, a smile still on her face.

When the sound of a wave crashing against the side of his ship woke Fjord, he was slightly disoriented. Why wasn’t the ship rocking? Then he saw the sturdy bed and the hand knitted blanket Caduceus gifted him. He was at the Xhorhaus, and there was no ocean or storm. Well looking out the window he rescinded that last statement. Silently wondering why Beauregard had not yet awoken him to train, the half-orc just fell back into his pillows and decided to just enjoy a lazy morning until the monk would call for him.

Veth woke to a paw in her face and Frumpkin on her chest. When she tried to remove the cat, he just cuddled closer. Which was when Veth realized that Frumpkin was extremely wet. And so were her bed sheets. With a look outside the window her fears were founded in reality.  
It rained. A lot, like the world wished everyone would drown, but just from the sky, instead of the deep. So she decided, a wet cat was better than no cat, and a warm bed was better than getting up and beginning her day. And after a quick search and a towel later, Frumpkin was even dry-ish.

Caleb dreamed. Of a rainy day and the smell of cinnamon and ground cloves. And the warmth of a hearthfire and Leofric reading fairy tales aloud to his mother and him, while Una was in the kitchen baking Kaiserschmarn, and Bren was helping making Apfelmus. And Caleb knew what had come later, but the fire stayed in the hearth and for once Caleb smiled whiled dreaming in memories. The smile stayed when he woke and still remembered the recipe his mother had used.

\---<0>\---

Essek woke to a sending from his mother and a sending from the Brightqueen, who both demanded his presence. At the same time. It was cold in his towers and his head hurt. Two sendings at once were always strenuous and then after a long night preparing for future lessons with Caleb and his own interests it was not a good start into the day. The day only got worse after looking out the window. The rain came down in sheets and a harsh wind blew them against his window. So after a reply to his mother and the Brightqueen, Essek sighed and contemplated just staying in bed, but eventually turned around and stood up. Which he regretted immediately, when his feet touched the stone floor and the cold pain nearly made him faint. He just about caught himself with his gravitational field, and resolved that he would just hover wherever he would need to go today. And he dreaded going anywhere, he just knew that his already heavy mantle, heavy with responsibility and constant anxiety would only grow heavier with the constant rain. And it would not keep him warm.

\---<0>\---

It was after midday that the Mighty Nein all sat around the table in the dining room of the Xhorhaus. Most of them also looking alive. With Fjord it was hard to tell before his first cup of tea, and Beauregard rocked the most killer racoon look, that spoke of an entire night of studying. Surprisingly Caduceus noted, that Caleb seemed to be well rested and even smiling a little. So did Artagan, even though the Archfey’s hair still looked a bit like a wet cat. But with that lion like mane, it really was not very intelligent to go out into the rain and expect to come out looking pristine.

“Sooo, what are we gonna do today? Because the further exploration of the city and finding mysteries is drowning outside.”, Jester opened the discussion while taking a sip of her hot chocolate (with marshmallows, of course. In the shape of tiny dicks, of course ! )   
“I think I want to just sit a bit in the rain.”  
“That sounds just wonderful. May I join you, Ms. Yasha?”, Caduceus asked and smiled after a small nod from the barbarian, who had a completely dry Frumpkin making biscuits in her lap.   
“I think, I wanna stay inside. Where it is like dry. But you do you Yasha, no judgment! Same with you Caduceus. But I am working on this theory and paper and ink do NOT like water.”  
“For today I had enough water. Jester, Darling you said something about lending me Tusk Love? I think I am going to join whoever is quiet and lets me marvel at porn written by someone who probably never had anything going on ever.”   
“You are NOT joining me. I still do not like you. And the theory is important. And about Dragons.”  
“You can join me, Arty! If everyone will do their own thing, I am just going to paint. I had a great idea for a mural on the wall next to the stairs!!”  
“I actually wanted to ask Veth if you would like to join me, in taking care of armor. Because yours looks a little bit tattered and I was doing mine anyway.”  
“You couldn’t even lift my armor, Fjord. So I will graciously help you. Meet me in the war room in 15 min!”

After a deep breath, Caleb turned to Caduceus: “Would it be okay if I used the kitchen today? I ah, have something on my mind. Something my Mutter used to make on rainy days. Something I would like to share with you all?”  
“No problem at all, Mr. Caleb. Just call if you need help, or when it is finished.”, the firbolg smiled, “I am sure it will be great.”

\---<0>\---

A good thing and a bad thing and a horrible thing happened. The good thing was that the rain stopped. And then continued as hail. Which was the bad thing on the walk to the Lucid Bastion.   
The horrible thing only reached his ears, after Essek was in his study in the Bastion. Actually it was two bad things. One bad for his job, and one bad for his personal life.  
The job thing was inconsequential, just a spy that was found out in Shadycreak Run, whose information was lost. The spy made it out okay, and Essek was surprised that he was relived by this, and not as disappointed as he thought he would be at losing information. Since when was the informant more important to him than the information?  
Which brought him to around noon, when the second piece of information he could have gladly lived without reached him.   
His father had returned.  
And his mother wanted to have a Den dinner. Which she had told him in her earlier sending as well, but the reason she had to tell him in person.  
“I have very good news, Essek. Your father has returned. Which is why we will have a dinner with the Den this afternoon. During which I expect from you a humble apology to your father, for sending him into his death. And you will do so, standing on his level. Not hovering, with your little parlor trick.”, with these words the Umavi of Den Thelyss rushed out of his study never closing the door behind her.

Essek just dropped his head on the desk and waved his hand to close the door.   
Why him? Why now?   
The heavy wool of his coat was still wet, but he could not change into anything, while he was at work. It was his symbol of duty and the standing he had gained in the Bastion. The gleaming silver ornaments, which decorated his shoulders were dripping water onto the desk.  
Drip.  
Drip.  
Drip.  
Dri - drop  
Drip.  
drop  
Drip.

Drip.  
drop.  
Drip.   
drop.   
drop.  
The wetness on his face tasted salty, and the liquid was warm compared to the drops of rainwater. They looked the same on the desk and the reports he had to still fill out though.   
The world was grey and so was his study and the reflection in his tears of his life really.   
All grey with just one spark of colo-

“HEY Essek! It’s Jester- do you have time to come over? It is all rainy and gloomy, and the Traveler would love to meet you!”  
“Also, sorry I ran out of Words. No shut up, twenty-five word limit is stupid, Arty. Oh shit! Caleb is also making something really-”

Without waiting for a third message Essek just answered.  
“I do not have time to come over. I am very sorry, and very busy. Thank you for asking, though. It was very kind of you.”

There was no response, and even though Essek was wondering what his friends were up to, or what Caleb was concocting, he had other responsibilities.  
As much as he loathed to have to say no. He wanted to go to the Mighty Nein and their cozy closeness.  
Wanted to cuddle with Frumkin and maybe get a hug from Jester.   
Wanted to sit in silence with Yasha and listen to Beauregard finding connections he had never thought of but made perfect sense once explained by the monk.   
He wanted to drink from Caduceus’s Tea and talk with him and Fjord about faith and trust. He wanted to sit with Veth and talk about all the things that made Caleb so perfect, exchange little stories on his quirks and brilliant moments.   
And he wanted to be near Caleb. Not even working on a spell, just sitting next to him would be enough. To hear him speak. If there was a sound he could listen to as the only ever to grace his ears again sound, it would be Caleb talking. Be that about magical theory or the antics his Den got in, or the small morsels the Zemnian shared of his home, past and present.

They weren’t even gone yet and he still missed them.   
Was being friends always so lonely?

\---<0>\---

The Den Thelyss dinners and meetings were perfect. No one could say anything against them. Every place was crisply and neatly set and had exactly one name put on it. Everyone sat next to the people they tolerated and away from ones the did not accept. The Umavi sat in the middle of the Den, with her perfectly manicured fingernails with the silvery image of the Luxon being a stark contrast on the dark rich tablecloth, when she tapped them impatiently. The polished crystal goblets and fine platinum cutlery gleamed in the blue light of the exactly twelve chandeliers with exactly twelve sides over exactly twelve tables, and reflected on the perfect replica of the night sky painted on the ceiling.  
The windows showed the yard in the phase of the last summer. Everything perfectly cut and every leave meticulously in place, not the skeletons they really where. The room had the exactly right amount of decor and the right amount of people for such a special occasion.   
The people wore masks made of expressions or rather the lack of it.   
Empty smiles full of ambition over empty dishes and full glasses.   
The Umavi was what they all strove to be. A perfect soul. And maybe while you are not perfect on the inside, you are showing an image of being perfect any other way. The newest style of hair, dress, accessory and gossip. New, but refined. Used to maximum efficiency.

Everyone in this room would expect Essek to put on the same face and humble himself in front of his father, who had returned by the grace of a relic he did not understand the mechanics of. Essek knew this and hated it. Every political jab, every whisper in his direction. His mother’s- The Umavi’s disapproving glance at his hovering, completely ignoring the rain and cold he knew that she knew made the pain in his legs unbearable.

Next to the Umavi sat a young Drow, Essek did only recognize in the way of his behavior but not his face. This was his father. Younger then him in years but revered for having returned and being praised for receiving a blessing only given to a few elite.  
The Umavi stood and as one the Den stood, with precision as if instead of a glass the Umavi held 143 leashes, pulling at the throats of everyone assembled.   
From his position at the other side of the Umavi could Essek see the entirety of the Den. A sea of endless expressionless faces, but with mirth at his impending humbling dancing in all eyes.  
“We are grateful and praise the Luxon on this most blessed day, that it brought me back my husband. To show the error of his ways, which led to the untimely death of my husband, my – The Shadowhand will formally apologize in front of the entire Den, so that all may be witness to his humbling.”, The Umavi looked at The Shadowhand, as did the rest of Den Thelyss.   
Essek felt hollow. The Shadowhand. He was the Shadowhand to his mother – no his Umavi. And Essek could not open his mouth, his lips were dry, everyone was looking at him. His Umavi was looking at him, Den Thelyss was looking at him, his father – his fathers soul, in a body that was not his, was smirking at him.  
“Yes, Shadowhand apologize please. I would love to hear proof that you have grown up.”  
“I can not believe that he is speechless.” - ”Did he really think the Umavi would let it slide?” - " Thought really that he is better than all of us...look where that got him.” - “The mighty Shadowhand finally humbled.”  
Mighty Shadowhand. Mighty Shadowhand. Mighty Shado-. Mighty. Mighty. Might-  
Mighty Nein!  
“I-I – “  
“No need to stutter, I heard I was gone long enough for you to learn how to speak properly. No need to pretend with me, you are still a child”, the smirk on the face he did not recognize grew. As did the disappointment and rage at his inability in the Umavi's eyes.

Mighty Nein! He had to get away, get to safety, go to the Den Nein. Go Home.  
“I will not apologize. I have important business elsewhere. As Essek. Not as the Shadowhand, or as Essek of Den Thelyss, but as Essek I am needed.”   
A motion with his fingers, that the Umavi was to late to counterspell, and he was in front of the house of the Mighty Nein.

\---<0>\---

It took a few hours until Caleb had searched for all ingredients. But when he had found them, he was smiling again. Maybe today was just a good day. As he was cutting apples, he began to talk aloud to himself, and maybe to Jester and Artagan, who had relocated to the living room to paint its walls rather than the one going up the stairs.

ES WAR EINMAL eine Königin die sich nicht sehnlicher wünschte als ein Kind. Und als sie eines Tages im Winter am Fenter saß und stickte stach sie sich in den Finger und drei Tropfen Blut fielen in den Schnee.   
,, Oh Ich wünschte ich hätte eine Tochter mit Haut so weiß wie Schnee, Lippen so rot wie Blut und Haar so Schwarz wie Ebenholz”…. [1]

When he had finished the story and the apples Caduceus and Yasha joined the duo in the living room and silently sat just looking at Caleb, while he was in the kitchen preparing the batter. As he saw that he had a captive audience, the Zemnian blushed, but began another tale.

ES WAR EINMAL ein armer Holzfäller welcher mit seiner Frau und seinen zwei Kindern vor einem großen Wald wohnte. Doch ihnen ging nach einiger Zeit das Essen aus, und so beschlossen die Eltern schweren Herzens ihre Kinder in den Wald zu führen, und dort zu lassen…. [2]

Halfway through finishing the actual Kaiserschmarn Caleb noticed that the rest of the Nein had joined him as well. And as he had finished the story of Hänsel und Gretel, he just began the next. This one a bit more involved as not to bore Beauregard.

ES WAR EINMAL eine arme Familie welche sich nichts sehnlicher wünschte als eine Tochter, und als die Frau endlich schwanger war und einen Heißhunger auf Rapunzelsalat verspürte, war der Mann bereit alles für sie zu tun. Auch in den Garten der Hexe zu klettern um den Salat zu klauen. Dies ging auch gut, für einige Zeit.   
Bis der Mann von der Hexe ertappt wurde und das Kind als Preis forderte, welches sie auch abholte. Am Tag nach der Geburt besuchte die Hexe Die arme Familie und stahl das Kind um es in einem einsamen Turm fern von anderen Menschen großzuziehen…. [3]

With that story he finished the Kaiserschmarn and the Apfelmus was ready to be seasoned. For that he grabbed the mortar and one and a half cinnamon bars and one clove and finely ground them before adding them.

“Cay-leb, you never told us that you knew so many wonderful stories!”, Jester exclaimed while helping to bring plates out onto the table.   
“Can you maybe like tel – What? Of course Essek! Sure just wait one second, someone will get the door! Oh my Traveler is this the first time you messaged me?! – Guys Essek just messaged me, asking if my invitation to hang out from earlier still stands, and I told him yes, I hope that was okay, also he is standing in front of our door right now, can someone please let him in! I am going to get him a towel!”, and with that there was a blue whirlwind running up the stairs.

“Ja. Natürlich, that is okay Jester, I made enough for everyone”, Caleb’s words were not heard by the blue Cleric, but by the firbolg one.  
“Mr. Fjord, would you get the door please? And Ms. Beauregard maybe get our guest something dry to change into? I will heat up some tea and maybe Ms. Yasha could – “  
“Already on it.”, interrupted Yasha while pulling over another chair.

Caleb still smiled. This was home now. He could bring over fragments that did not hurt and integrate them until their edges were completely round and fitted with the rest of the puzzle that was the Mighty Nein. And if that was telling a few stories now and then, he would gladly do so.  
Though he was curious how the Mighty Nein had understood what he said.  
As if summoned by his question there was red mane of hair in his peripheral vision and then some green magic balancing nine cups.   
Artagan smiled and nodded to Caleb. While the Archfey might not like the theater, stories held a special part in his heart and he had seldom met a storyteller quite so talented like the Zemnian, so of course he would make sure that his cleric and her friends all understood the story.

And while Artagan, Caleb, Caduceus and Veth prepared the table, the rest helped Essek dry of and get rid of his mantle. Well mostly Beauregard as Fjord was wrestling with Jester to keep her from peeking at Essek.  
“You know you do not have to float around us, right? Even though you obviously came from somewhere shitty right now.”, Beau asked while reaching over the folding screen in their bath room giving Essek one of Caleb’s spare shirts and trousers. And a pair of Jester’s fluffiest socks.  
“I know that, Beauregard. But today floating is what helps me stay conscious and not black out from pain. Please forgive me not lowering myself”, came the slightly muffled voice from behind the screen.  
“Oh shit, dude. I am so sorry, I did not realize you had a chronic pain problem. Keep floating. Maybe Jester or Caddy can help. You know it is no burden, right?”, she honestly was not sure that he knew.   
Self-deprecation and feeling like a burden seemed to come natural to wizards. Even if Caleb seemed a touch better today.  
“Thank you Beauregard. And thank you for having me.”  
“No problem Essek. Jester invited you, and Caleb apparently made enough of whatever he made planning you coming over to visit anyway. You are always welcome.”, Beau smiled at Essek who had just emerged from the screen,   
“Also do Caleb’s clothes fit you?”  
Essek blushed.  
Heavily.  
So much you almost could not see the tear tracks on his cheeks.

\---<0>\---

The Den Nein dinners and meetings were perfect. No one who met the Nein could say anything against them.   
Everyone sat next to the person they felt like sitting next to, with no hierarchy around the round table.   
Warm colors clashed and complimented each other, while reflecting the various Den mates in their own intensity. Their dishes and cutlery where a wild mix of their different origins, as were the different topping for the food. Some of what Caleb referred to as Apfelmus was spiced with bugs native to Xhorhas, some had extra cinnamon, some extra salt.  
The room was illuminated with a few dozen small glass jars hanging from thread on the ceiling enchanted to glow in the golden rays of the sun. But these miniature suns were dark enough not to hurt guests who were sensitive to light. The cieling was painted with a beautiful mural of an evening sky with the beginnings of the stars blinking lazily down at the viewer as if to herald the storm clouds in one corner.  
Through the window, Essek caught a glimpse of one of the various trees in the yard of the Xhorhaus, gently packed away and protected from the harsher weather, by straw, secured with hardy vines sprouting from the earth.  
But Essek’s view of the garden was interrupted by Jester leaning over him to poke Caleb in the side when he mimed shutting his mouth and throwing away the key when asked about the story parts Jester missed.  
On every plate was a bit of Kaiserschmarn with a mixture of cinnamonsugar and Apfelmus, a steaming cup of tea or hot chocolate in the hands of the residents of the Xhorhaus to ward away the chill that came with the dreary outside.

And Essek understood. While people might try to become a perfect soul over millions of lifetimes, he met his perfect soul in the Mighty Nein and they accepted him. He was part of their perfect soul.  
This conclusion was further proven when without looking his hand interwove with Caleb’s an his right one began petting Frumpkin who had jumped onto his lap, while he talked with Beauregard about her theory about Gelidon and Vorugal.  
Yasha smiled at him, and Jester surprised him by once again leaning over him, catching him in a brief hug while interjecting loudly into the conversation of Fjord and Caduceus and the Archfey, who must be the Traveler about whose God is the coolest.

Sometimes Home can be a bunch of co-dependant misfits, with no further goal in life than a happy future for themselves and to leave the world better than they found it.

And they had already left his far better.

**Author's Note:**

> By the way, I rolled to see if Beau would notice that Essek had come from a shitty place and I rolled a 19 plus whatever her bonus is, but I figured, Essek is not really trying to hide right now.
> 
> So Translations....  
> Oh traveler there are a lot of them this time....
> 
> [1]Once upon a time there was a queen who wished for nothing more dearly than for a child. And as she sat on the windowsill one winter, embroidery hoop in hand, she pierced herself on the needle and three drops of red blood fell onto the snow.  
> "Oh , I wish I had a daughter with skin white as snow, lips as red as blood and hair as black as ebony"....
> 
> Story of Snowwhite and the seven dwarves
> 
> [2] Once upon a time there lived a poor lumberjack with his two children and his wife at the edge of a big forest. But after a while their food ran out, and so the parents decided with heavy hearts to take the children out into the forest and leave them there....
> 
> Story of Hänsel und Gretel
> 
> [3] Once upon a time there was a poor family who whished for nothing more than a daughter, and as the wife was pregnant and cravings for rapunzel-salat, the man would do anything for his wife. Even steal the rapunzel-salat from the garden of a witch.  
> Which went okay.For a while.  
> But then the witch caught him and asked for the baby as payment for the stolen salat. The Witch held her promise and stole the child away, when it was but 1 day old, going deep into the forest to raise the child as her own in a lonely tower far from society.
> 
> Story of Rapunzel
> 
> All stories by the Brother's Grimm, written from my memory which is not as good as Caleb's.


End file.
